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09 May 2010 @ 10:29 am

I haven't regressed.
Maybe the truth is I feel better like this.
It's masochism.

Let's get it out in the open.
Without you, what am I?
Nothing. Worthless. Just another girl in a sea of people who are so much better than I could ever be.
They only know my name because of you.
Because you told them to.

And they'll take you away.
They always do.
I have nothing to offer.
To you. Or to them.
Without you, I've no foundation to stand on.
Oddly enough...
You wouldn't want me without that foundation.

So I reiterate.
What do I have to offer anyone?

So forget me.
And tell them to forget me.
Let's pretend I don't exist.
I think it's better that way.

Current Location: Via iPhone.
07 May 2010 @ 10:25 pm
here i am, i don't want to be by myself. and i think you're fucking someone else. i'm always afraid you're gone away from me; i'm always afraid that you're lost in somebody.

you ask me if it's okay; well, it isn't. so, tell me, then, why would you do it? infidelity is never okay; my apologies to the polygamists.

ask me. go ahead.
ask me.
i'll admit it.
i'll admit everything.

i am not perfect; i have never been perfect; i never intend to try and be anything similar to perfect. i am possibly the most flawed person to ever walk this earth, and that's fact, not opinion. my issues cause serial killers to seem perfectly balanced. again, i don't exaggerate.

does that mean i deserve to cry?
i don't think so. i could be wrong, of course, because of all the flaws, but i think i deserve something other than being upset.
i mean.
that's my best guess, at least.

i'm bleeding.

these eyes burn from makeup tainted saline surging out of them, but unforuantely, i can't quite seem to make it stop.
i wish i had a beaver dam.
better yet, i wish i had something else.
i don't know what, but just...something.

because fuck, this hurts.

i think i hate you. i really do.
i haven't felt instability like this in months; i was doing okay. then you had to go and bring her up.
i'm not so okay.
i guess, because you're you, you couldn't begin to understand why. am i correct?

i guess the temptation to cheat is normal nowadays.
but it's not really something i'm prepared to deal with.
and you're out there, with her, hell, you're celebrating her, and i'm home all alone.
teary eyed. bloody. cold. alone. undeserving.

the drinking, the girls, and now this.
fucking around with a girl you promised to never speak to again.
and you wonder why i'm upset?

i'm handling this better than you realize, however.
and i'm not being dramatic.
or crazy.
because i know you'll say i am.
i'm being me. this is me when i'm hurt and utterly livid.

i just want to punch and scream and break and slaughter and massacre everything around me (except the cats, because, well, this isn't their fault). the coffee table, however, i think is to blame. at least a little bit? would make me feel better if i could shatter it, so let's pretend it's fucking around too.

i hate you.
a lot.
and don't tell me you love me.
because love doesn't go get drunk with another girl.
a girl who was supposed to be removed from this relationship months ago.
love would come home.
nobody's home.
get what i'm saying?

you opened this wound.
deliberately, i might add.
and you've turned me into something i haven't been for what seems like forever.
so yeah, i hate you.
because you fucked me up tonight.
and i don't need your help because i've fucked myself up enough over the years.

you'll never read this. why would you?
as if you've ever cared about anything i've ever said.
you've never listened to me.
but i need to say;
i don't want you here.
around me.
in my life.
because your love is nothing more than contentment.
i don't want to be your damn comfort zone.
don't come home.
you're not welcome here tonight.
Current Mood: infuriatedlivid
Current Music: puddle of mudd.
13 August 2009 @ 02:30 pm
1 month shy of year and what's the point? can't remember a time when i was so damn lonely but what does that matter? every time the tears dissipate i think the adulation follows course. every day i start to remember why i was so independent before i sold my soul and gave up on everything that i cared about. survival of the fittest is for the jaded, they say, but they were more than wrong. if i'm all i have, then it's imperative that i survive. no one is to blame but myself, and that much i'll accept, i should have known better than to take the only thing i have and hand it over to someone else. so i guess from now on this is where i lie, concealing everything and delving back into myself because while i may be alone, at least then i'll be safe.
i've always disliked myself, as per my nature, but i've never hated myself until i had the opportunity to have everything that makes me me ripped away and destroyed and spun around into malicious intent and told that everything is "wrong."
i am not wrong. i am me. and i'm okay with that fact. if you're not, then i don't need you. love is love, love is not what we've made it into. i will not change for you, just as i've never changed for anyone. don't give me the same old "i don't need to change" all the while stealing everything about me and throwing it away, discarding it piece by piece.
it wasn't until last night and this late morning that i finally woke up to realize, you're picking and choosing what you want to love, and by discarding all of those pieces of me, you're essentially discarding me.
i can't love you anymore.
Current Mood: angryangry
Current Music: 6 Gun Quota - Seether
29 June 2009 @ 02:21 am
should be asleep. should be productive. should be calm. should be sound. should be should be should be.
was advised i need sleep; need to prepare for twelve hours of thankless aggravation. why sleep when i know that my day is thrown away as soon as i awake?
travel channel is freaking me out and sims 3 download is taking more than my patience.
2nd episode in a row that zack claims he's "never felt like this" he's obviously a liar.
person i love most who is supposed to love me most thinks i'm an idiot; i have a distinct feeling he's misinformed but i've no proof otherwise.
so i guess i'll go down in history an idiot.
lowe's commerical.
need to get a new job before i kill myself.
when life sucks, it sucks bad.
Current Location: lititz, pa
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: ghost adventures
16 March 2009 @ 04:49 am
so much for snide comments about kids i hated in high school. girls i said threw their lives away.
19 years old today & my birthday present to myself?
a $600 mistake.
a pill to erase my own flesh & blood; a developing parasite composed of me & the boy i love.
it's a parasite.
but it's my parasite.
part of me doesn't want to; shouldn't i be happy?
but an overwhelming one-time expense isn't nearly as harmful as 9 months of moderately overwhelming expenses.
maybe later.
goodbye baby.
Current Location: lancaster
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Hidden Track - Breaking Benjamin
07 January 2009 @ 12:49 am
finally got my at&t phone working. its the lg vu. im not sure how i like it so far...
Current Location: boyfriends place
Current Mood: gross
Current Music: king of the hill
23 December 2008 @ 12:30 am
i forgive, i apologize, i lose dignity, i take pills...all for a boy who won't even come home at night. i'm bleeding from places no one should bleed from because what else can i do? this chainsmoking isn't nearly as intoxicating as the pain, but the pain hardly helps. as if.
stuck in a bedroom that isn't my own watching a cartoon that doesn't make me as numb as i'd like. the 5 hr nap makes me underappreciate sleep and i hardly have the desire to lie my head on a pillow that reeks of love. where the hell is that love now?
that's right. in enola.
my forearm hurts and in 8 hrs i'll be stuck in a building with a boy i can't stand and there will be no escape. i wish i had alcohol to forget him.
the password protection on his cell is only a mere symbology of the barricades he holds between himself and i. i'm not good enough - worthy enough? - of the password[s]. apparently.
read me a passage from a book i obviously reject to try and justify his obvious neglect for me inside. sexist motherfucker. i'd rather die than acknowledge the twenty minutes of medicinal talk he spewed at me.
neglect me, pull away and pretend i don't exist, or even better;; acknowledge the fact maybe to him, i don't anymore. 2 can play at this tango. i refuse to love a boy who refuses to love me.
all those giggles and stolen cigarettes and hand-held car rides and kisses when i obviously am good at what i do...they're all held hostage and are all on hold until you prove to me that yr done running away from a girl who gave you every part of her that was worth giving. i gave you all of me & you have the nerve the hold onto pieces of you.
& you won't read this.
& i'm done caring.
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
Current Music: The Last Day On Earth - Marilyn Manson
20 August 2008 @ 10:36 pm
slowly getting used to living in the city. the lights aren't as pretty as i thought they'd be & apprehensive doesn't describe how i feel about the people outside. but i think i'll be okay. it all comes with experience maybe.
pandora is playing music that i already have in my itunes, which is a little disheartening because i wanted new music, but i guess i'll put up with it.
everytime i walk into sephora, i wanna buy the entire urban decay collection. even though i stopped wearing makeup. i think i'm gonna start again. i love colors. <3
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
11 August 2008 @ 11:43 pm
"excuse me, sir, do you know where we could get some pornography tonight?"
"some masturbatory material?"
Current Mood: crappycrappy
29 July 2008 @ 11:18 pm
i'm not sure what i'm feeling.
but i don't like it.
Current Mood: crankycranky
Current Music: automatic loveletter